| In my last blog I referred to the essential list by Greg McKeown. In this blog I go into a better detail in one of the chapters that relates to saying no. essentialists don't just say no occasionally. It is part of their regular repertoire. To consistently say no with grace, then, it helps to have a variety of responses to call upon. Below are eight responses you can put into your ‘no’ repertoire: 1. The awkward pause: instead of being controlled by the threat of an awkward silence, own it. use it as a tool. When a request comes to you (obviously this works only in person), just pause for a moment. Count to three before delivering your verdict. Or if you get a bit bolder, simply wait for the other person to fill the void. |  |
2. The soft no (or the no but): I recently received an email inviting me to coffee. I replied: “I am consumed with writing my book right now :) but I would love to get together once the book is finished. Let me know if we can get together towards the end of the summer.”
Email is also a good way to start practicing saying “no but” because it gives you the chance to draft and redraft your “no” to make it as graceful as possible. plus, many people find that the distance of email reduces the fear of awkwardness.
3. “Let me check my calendar and get back to you” One leader I know found her time being hijacked by other people all day. A classic non-essentialist, she was capable and smart and unable to say no, and as a result she soon became a “go to” person. People would run up to her and say, “could you help with X project?” Meaning to be a good citizen she said yes. But soon she felt burdened with all of these different agenda’s things changed for her when she learned to use a new phrase: “let me check my calendar and get back to you” it gave her the time to pause and reflect and ultimately reply that she was regretfully unavailable. It enabled her to take back control of her own decisions rather than being rushed into a “yes” when she was asked.
4. Use email automatic replies. It is totally natural and expected to get an auto response when someone is traveling or out of the office. Really, this is the most socially acceptable “no” there is. people aren't saying they don't want to reply to your email, they're just saying they can't get back to you for a period of time. So why limit these two holidays? When I was writing this book I set an email auto reply to the subject line “in monk mode”. the email said:
“Dear friends, I'm currently working on a new book which has put enormous burdens on my time. Unfortunately, I am unable to respond in the manner I would like. For this, I apologise. Greg”
And guess what? People seem to adapt to my temporary absence and non-responsiveness just fine.
5. Say, “yes, what should I deprioritise?” Saying no to a senior leader at work is almost unthinkable, even laughable, for many people. However, when saying yes is going to compromise your ability to work at the highest level of contribution to your work, it is also your obligation. In this case it is not only reasonable to say no, it is essential. One effective way to do this is to remind your superiors what you would be neglecting if you said yes and force them to grapple with the tradeoff.
For example, if your manager comes to you and asks you to do X, you can respond with,”yes I'm happy to make this up the priority. Which of these projects should I deprioritize to pay attention to this new project?” Or simply say, “I would want to do a great job, and given my other commitments I wouldn't be able to do a job I was proud of if I took this on.”
6. Say it with humour: I recently was asked by a friend to join him in training for a marathon. My response was a simple “Nope!” he laughed a little and said, “Ah, you practice what you preach.” Just goes to show how useful it is to have a reputation as an essentialist!
7. Use the words “You are welcome to X. I am willing to Y” For example: “you are welcome to borrow my car. I am willing to make sure the keys are here for you.” By this you are also saying, “I won't be able to drive you.” you are saying what you will not do but you are delivering it in terms of what you are willing to do this is a particularly good way to navigate a request you would like to support somewhat but cannot throw your full weight behind. popularly like this construct because it also expresses a respect for the other person's ability to choose, as well as their own. It reminds both parties of the choices they have.
8. “I can't do it, but X might be interested" it is tempting to think that our help is uniquely invaluable, but often people requesting something I don't really care if we're the ones who help them as long as they get the help.
Saying no is its own only leadership capability. It is not just a peripheral skilful. As with any ability, we start with limited experience. We are novices at "no." Then we learn a couple of basic techniques. We make some mistakes. Learn from them. We develop more skills. We keep practicing. After a while we have a whole repertoire available at our disposal, and in time we have gained mastery of a type of social art form. We can handle almost any request from almost anybody with grace and dignity.
Saying "No" allows us to focus on our "Why" and all essentialists are focused on this. Grab a copy for yourself it's a great read.
Email is also a good way to start practicing saying “no but” because it gives you the chance to draft and redraft your “no” to make it as graceful as possible. plus, many people find that the distance of email reduces the fear of awkwardness.
3. “Let me check my calendar and get back to you” One leader I know found her time being hijacked by other people all day. A classic non-essentialist, she was capable and smart and unable to say no, and as a result she soon became a “go to” person. People would run up to her and say, “could you help with X project?” Meaning to be a good citizen she said yes. But soon she felt burdened with all of these different agenda’s things changed for her when she learned to use a new phrase: “let me check my calendar and get back to you” it gave her the time to pause and reflect and ultimately reply that she was regretfully unavailable. It enabled her to take back control of her own decisions rather than being rushed into a “yes” when she was asked.
4. Use email automatic replies. It is totally natural and expected to get an auto response when someone is traveling or out of the office. Really, this is the most socially acceptable “no” there is. people aren't saying they don't want to reply to your email, they're just saying they can't get back to you for a period of time. So why limit these two holidays? When I was writing this book I set an email auto reply to the subject line “in monk mode”. the email said:
“Dear friends, I'm currently working on a new book which has put enormous burdens on my time. Unfortunately, I am unable to respond in the manner I would like. For this, I apologise. Greg”
And guess what? People seem to adapt to my temporary absence and non-responsiveness just fine.
5. Say, “yes, what should I deprioritise?” Saying no to a senior leader at work is almost unthinkable, even laughable, for many people. However, when saying yes is going to compromise your ability to work at the highest level of contribution to your work, it is also your obligation. In this case it is not only reasonable to say no, it is essential. One effective way to do this is to remind your superiors what you would be neglecting if you said yes and force them to grapple with the tradeoff.
For example, if your manager comes to you and asks you to do X, you can respond with,”yes I'm happy to make this up the priority. Which of these projects should I deprioritize to pay attention to this new project?” Or simply say, “I would want to do a great job, and given my other commitments I wouldn't be able to do a job I was proud of if I took this on.”
6. Say it with humour: I recently was asked by a friend to join him in training for a marathon. My response was a simple “Nope!” he laughed a little and said, “Ah, you practice what you preach.” Just goes to show how useful it is to have a reputation as an essentialist!
7. Use the words “You are welcome to X. I am willing to Y” For example: “you are welcome to borrow my car. I am willing to make sure the keys are here for you.” By this you are also saying, “I won't be able to drive you.” you are saying what you will not do but you are delivering it in terms of what you are willing to do this is a particularly good way to navigate a request you would like to support somewhat but cannot throw your full weight behind. popularly like this construct because it also expresses a respect for the other person's ability to choose, as well as their own. It reminds both parties of the choices they have.
8. “I can't do it, but X might be interested" it is tempting to think that our help is uniquely invaluable, but often people requesting something I don't really care if we're the ones who help them as long as they get the help.
Saying no is its own only leadership capability. It is not just a peripheral skilful. As with any ability, we start with limited experience. We are novices at "no." Then we learn a couple of basic techniques. We make some mistakes. Learn from them. We develop more skills. We keep practicing. After a while we have a whole repertoire available at our disposal, and in time we have gained mastery of a type of social art form. We can handle almost any request from almost anybody with grace and dignity.
Saying "No" allows us to focus on our "Why" and all essentialists are focused on this. Grab a copy for yourself it's a great read.
